LUMBER PURCHASESome men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and says, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk replies, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The guy scratches his head and says, "I'll go check," and goes back to the truck.
He returns and says, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The guy pauses for a minute and says, "I better go check." After a while, he returns to the office and says, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
PAT AND MIKE: NEW IMMIGRANTS IN PHILADELPHIA
Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat together.
On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.
On the evening of the next day they compared notes.Pat: "So, Michael, did ya find any work?
Mike: "Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?"
Pat: "Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don't ya know, they works to a thousandths of an inch!"
Mike: "A thousandths of an inch!!"
Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:
"Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?"
Pat: "Sure, Michael, and I don't know. From the looks, there must be millions of them!"
HAND SAW OR CHAINSAW?
Old Jake had cut firewood by hand with a swede saw for a living going on 50 years. He averaged about four cords a day. His son was home from college and watching him work remarked, "You could probably cut 10 times as much if you bought yourself a chainsaw."
"Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake responded.
His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right; his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day. So he went into town and bought a brand new top-of-the-line chainsaw.
The first couple days were not very productive--he only cut one cord each day. By the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. "This is not working," he thought to himself, "My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day. I'm taking this stupid thing back."
The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production. "Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad. Let's start it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.
"What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.
A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.
"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.
"Okay," the manager replied, "Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there."
Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, "Tree's cut. Do I get the job?"
"I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it. Where did you learn to use an axe like that?" the manager inquired.
"Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.
"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.
"Sure, that's what they call it now."
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